Lost But Not Yet Found

 If you ask me what my favourite film is, I'd probably say Equilibrium; a life where everyone takes a dose of Prozium to numb their emotions. They are told it is to stop wars which are created by emotions, but it is really to keep everyone subservient. A character misses his dose and his emotions start to surface. He sees the sunrise throw rainbows through the rain, holds a puppy and discovers art. It's an incredible film.

Ask me today, when I am feeling emotionally lost, and I'll tell you that it's Eat, Pray, Love. A woman realises that she is truly unhappy with her life and books a flight to Rome, then India, then Indonesia. Whilst on her travels, she discovers different loves. And herself.

So here I am, at 8pm on a Sunday evening, having yet another existential crisis. 

I wish I could say this was a rarity, but it happens every month or so.

I'm in the last few weeks of my PGDE (teaching qualification) whilst working full time and there are only 6 weeks left of the school year. I'm out. I'm fully checked out. I have 2 essays to complete and hand in and lessons to plan, but I really can't be bothered. I'm tired man.

Emotionally. Mentally. Physically.

My brain just cannot do any more, but that's probably because I spent 4 hours researching everything I need to start my own salon.

Yep, another direction. Every time I feel like I'm getting somewhere, my heart wants something new.

That sounds incredibly dramatic for a 31-year-old, but when you've never known what you want in life, you tend to seek out what sets your heart on fire. A couple of years ago, I discovered that I was a Multipotentialite or a Multi-Passionate person. Basically, we have so many passions that it's almost impossible to stick with one for a long period of time. We chase after something that makes our heart sing, accomplish it and find something else to chase after. I am now 2 years into my teaching journey and I'm ready to tap out. But the last 6 weeks standing in my way are killing my soul. 

It could also be because I've not taken my antidepressants for 2 weeks and the levels have finally dropped out of my system. Everything feels stupid and pointless. I have no concentration, I just want to drink (only Malibu and Lilt, nothing crazy) and I want to do things that make me feel excited which is why I've spent almost £500 in about 2 weeks. I have no idea what I've spent it on though. Woo for depression.

So what next? I suppose that it's time to get back on the meds and back on track. Meds tend to take a few days to kick back in as the levels build back up, so I just have to get through the next few days feeling like an emotional zombie.